Have you felt the heaviness of knowing that you were meant for something more than you are fulfilling in your life?
At 16 years old, I knew I was called to be a minister and a writer. I felt it in my bones, it pressed against my heart, and in the dark of night, it whispered urgently to my soul. Every day, I wrote poetry and letters to God. I thought about questions of existence, morality, and awakening that my friends and much of my family could not understand. I was curious, searching, cracked open, angst-ridden, and alive.
Then, I met a guy. Many people told me I was too young for such a deeply entwined relationship. They said that the co-dependence and neediness of it would end in my ruin. But my rebellious mind made a choice to focus everything I had on this one thing. I was married at 19, dropped out of university to get a job to help support us. I left the church I grew up in, stopped asking the spiritual questions that my new husband did not understand, and stopped writing letters to God. Secretly, in the hidden places within my heart, a deep sense of shame began to fester. Shame at not completing my education, shame in abandoning my call, shame at losing myself. Oh, and I was sure that God was abandoning me too.
I spent 20+ years in a dark and bewildering internalized hell of shame, presenting the false face of excellence, and achievement through perfectionism and overwork, while numbing the pain with addictive behaviors. I sank into depression, feeling worthless and not enough. Then, one day, after that first marriage had finally come to its logical (and way past-due) end and I had begun searching again for what was real and true for me, I learned that I could become a minister through Centers for Spiritual Living. Mic-drop! A mind-altering Truth just reminded me of my essential self.
I wish I could tell you that everything changed overnight, but 20+ years of self-loathing, self-abuse, and shame took some time to dismantle. I had to peel away layers of fear and false beliefs to remember who I really am. I had to deepen my spiritual practice, bringing myself back again, and again, and again to the Truth of my Being, to my innate nature, my authentic self, my life purpose.
I also wish I could tell you that the moment I made the choice to begin, the roadmap unfurled before me with perfect clarity – the straight and narrow way appearing with fluorescent highlighting, bright flashing lights, and road signs – but not so. My journey was a dance with steps forward and back, distractions whirling me about with dizzying effect causing me to fall off the dance floor, and times when I couldn’t hear the music anymore and I stopped, numb.
But through it all, there was a soft inner voice that called me back, time and again, and again, showing me the sacred perfection of each move, both the false and the true. I weep for the blessed grace of it all. Such riches I have gained in the genius beneath my faltering and folly. These blessings are now mine to offer to others, and I am blessed again in the offering.
Having experienced this healing path for myself, as well as having witnessed this experience in those I have supported on this journey, I know that there is an Inner Wisdom within each of us that speaks a language only we can hear – and only the hearer of this wisdom can understand its Unfailing Truth. There is no explaining it. There is no making sense of that which is beyond the physical senses – this is Higher Mind Wisdom that is encoded in the unfoldment of the Universe, it’s not the instructions for using your blender.
Through (or maybe despite) all of my questions and resistance and searching and struggling along the way, I have obtained this one Golden, Diamond-encrusted, Holy Grail of Wisdom: There is no person on Earth who can tell me the meaning, the purpose, of my life. My Inner Wisdom has the only answer for me, and there is no one else more trustworthy than my Highest Self to hold the key to my unlimited joy until I am ready to take it out into my world. AND this is as true for you as it is for me. No one can teach you what your purpose is. But what can be taught are ways to gently remove the roadblocks we create – to help us hear the whisper of grace when it comes to guide us to our right way.
I stumbled and crashed chaotically through the issues of my day
Deafened by my struggle, frustrated in my petty hurts.
But Life always finds its time to force the mind to STOP…
And in the unexpected stillness of one lucid moment
The hushed whisper of grace spoke my name
In that calmly awakened moment as the rain danced a soft shoe on my roof
I saw the not-enough-ness in my struggles
Now, there comes a point when surrender’s the only way
So, as I gently loosed my grip on the thousand shoulds I’d owned
The soft whisper of grace cried my name
Letting go a lifetime of mindless expectations like an armload of blackened rubble
Surprised by the shadow of grief on my heart
I felt suddenly protective over my fledgling epiphany
And as I wrapped my heart around this small new blessing of Freedom
The tender whisper of grace called my name
For on this one day, in this one moment, grace was not a celebratory fanfare
Or an exultant, bellowing lion
For this one day, in this one moment,
as Peace, Joy, and Freedom arose within me like a sacred spring
grace was, for me, a whisper --
A playful whisper
An alluring whisper
A fierce whisper
A whisper pregnant with Life and Purpose
A whisper that changed everything…
And only in the heart of stillness
did I hear it call my name.
I am Rev Tammy St Amand, and my purpose is to Serve Love.
My Mission:
To guide and support spiritually motivated people
in transforming shame and struggle into a Life of Purpose.
Would you like to hear and follow that Inner Voice
that has been whispering your name?
Beloved, I invite you and encourage you to join me on a 5-week journey to knowing yourself better and trusting the deepest Wisdom in existence – the Inner Wisdom that is always calling you.
Join me for Follow Your Flow – Creating Your Inspired Life
Starting Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021 at 5:00 PM Pacific time (6:00 PM MT, 7:00 PM CT, 8:00 PM ET).
Note: If you would like to join the class but are unsure if you will be able to make it to all of the 5 sessions, not to worry! Each class will be recorded, and the weekly recording will be sent out to all who registered.